


Ɔol͟l҉ɐdsǝ˙// [Collapse]

by sonnets_and_snowdrops



Category: Bleach
Genre: Hollowfication, I dooooon't think Shinji had an easy transition into Vizard-ness at ALL is what I'm sayin, Internal Monologue, Other, Shinigami/Zanpakutou Bond, Think Piece, Vizard Training, Vizards in exile, Zanpakutou, inner Hollow, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 15:35:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonnets_and_snowdrops/pseuds/sonnets_and_snowdrops
Summary: Sakanade is silent. A new voice has taken its place.And Shinji?He can't seem to stop falling.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 37





	Ɔol͟l҉ɐdsǝ˙// [Collapse]

_“ Ɔol͟l҉ɐdsǝ,”_ it says.

Everything is upside-down now, and not in the way he likes. He's plummeting – or maybe he's sailing upward. It's too hard to tell. All he knows is that the air is rushing past him, deafening him, making his ears ring, and the only thing he can hear is a voice inside his head, smooth as gravel and persistent as a stain.

 _You collapse, asshole,_ he tries to say, but his jaw feels like it's wired shut. His lips and tongue and teeth won't move, and he knows why, and he hates the reason. Like this, his face is encased in inflexible bone. Like this, he can scream, but he can’t speak.

And so, he screams. He is frustrated, and he is loud. It feels futile when he’s falling like this – it always does – and he knows deep down that one day, if he gives in just enough, if he bows to this new monster inside his soul, if he buckles beneath the weight of its cold, feral demands like it’s been asking him to, he could master this. He could rule his own inner life again. He could grow in power. He could regain his voice. He could wield his wit and his blade at the same time again, just like he used to do.

 _But it won’t be just like I used to,_ he thinks. He draws a quick, sharp breath, and once more, he reaches out to Sakanade. Once more, he feels nothing but silken, slithering cold, high-tailing it away from him as he gives half-hearted chase. _Where are you?_ he yearns to ask. _Where the fuck did you go? Why can’t I find you? Why can’t we talk the way we did before, huh?_

His stomach gives a sickening lurch. The ground is rushing up to meet him fast, and right now, his instinct is to close his eyes, brace himself, and take it. In a way, he welcomes the idea of impact. Maybe his bones will break. Maybe his neck will snap. Maybe he’ll lose a tooth, a finger, a limb. Maybe his heart will stop, and his world will be black and dull for a few glorious seconds before someone – Hachi, probably, or maybe even Kisuke if things get really dire – yanks him back into this realm, so that he can try again, fail again, fall again. 

And the truth is, he's not ready for that eternal blackness, that eternal dullness. Not really. Not yet. To welcome that would be to give up, and to give up would be to admit defeat, and to admit defeat would be to fork a victory over to someone else, and the _someone else_ in question this time is someone who makes his blood boil, someone who deserves all the vengeance that the universe can offer brought down upon his head, someone whose smug face still keeps him up at night - no matter how strong and how fierce and how fearless he makes himself out to be in front of the others. 

***

_"I can't win," he'd told that twisted shadow of himself, months ago, weeks ago, yesterday, earlier this afternoon before he started his headlong dive downwards. "If I let ya do this, he wins. And if I fight ya, if let ya destroy me, he wins. I can't win. There ain't no fuckin' way out, y'see?"_

_The shadow had only grinned, and he'd had to keep himself from throwing up at seeing that face - his own face, more or less, but pale as moonlight and wicked as sin - twist into that smile._

_"Ɔol̸lɐdsǝ," the shadow said._

_"You got no right to say that shit."_

_"Ɔo҉̛llɐd͢s̶̨͢ǝ̨͠͝," the shadow repeated._

_"Where'd you even learn to say that shit, huh?"_

_The world began to spin. Up was down, and right was left. "Ɔollɐ͠dsǝ ̸, Sɥᴉuɾᴉ͏."_

_"You got no right. This is my turf. You got that? Just 'cuz he let you in don't mean you get to stay."_

_If anything, the shadow's grin widened. "Ɔol͞l̴ɐ̕d҉̸̨sǝ."_

_"Stop it."_

_"Ɔ͞ol̕l͘͢͜ɐds̨ǝ̕."_

_"Stop it."_

_"Ɔol̴͘l͞ɐdsǝ."_

_"Make me, motherfucker."_

_And the shadow had._

***

When he comes to, it's because a painfully familiar sandal is smushed up against his bleeding nose. 

He blinks, and he tries to haul himself into a sitting position, but it's hard because everything hurts. His head is pounding, and his chest feels tight, and one of his shoulders slumps lower than the other. His pants, he can see now, have ripped at the knee, too. _Tch. Figures._

"Thirty-one seconds," comes Hiyori's voice. When he looks up, he can see that her features fixed into a frown. Her voice drips with disapproval and disappointment. "You're pretty bad at this, you big, dumb idiot." 

"I'm better'n you," he mumbles, trying again to push himself upright and failing, "you bigger, dumber idiot."

"Your shoulder's fucked up."

"I know." 

"You want Hachi?" 

"I wanna take a goddamn nap."

"I'm getting Hachi."

Hiyori walks away, and he doesn't try to stop her. He follows her with his gaze until he's sure that she isn't going to turn back and check up on him again, and then he exhales, long and deep, and he gives over to the weakness that always seizes him after he gives this shit another shot. He bows his head low, because supporting the weight of it suddenly feels like it requires way, way too much effort. His hands shake, and they fumble around in the dust for a second, searching, searching. They find purchase on rocks and dirt first, and that's not enough, so he furrows his brow and keeps searching, searching, until they land upon smooth steel, naked and bared, cold as a corpse beneath the bright sunlight. He grasps it, grips it tight. _Where are you?_ he asks it, fervent, desperate. _Lemme find you again._

Unbidden, a wry, white grin swims in his mind's eye.

 _"Ɔ̵o̡l̡lɐ̷d̵sǝ,"_ says a voice, rising from deep within his head. 

The ground rushes up to meet him again, but it's different this time. This time, it's simple. This time, it's mundane. This time, there's no fear, only acceptance. He just lets himself fall backwards, and his head smacks hard onto the ground, and he sees stars, and he tastes blood, but he's past caring. His body goes limp, and his heartbeat slows, and for just a few moments, he gets to rest. 

He collapses.

**Author's Note:**

> First fic in a MINUTE. Also, this is the first time I'm posting anything I've ever written about Shinji?? So umm, hooray??
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all!


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